The 15 Step Plan to Success!

Greetings! I wanted to start this off the right way.

Most of the time I will post stories about my experiences working with Bob and show you, the reader ways to apply the lessons from these stories into your own successful business enterprises. The stories will be both humorous and uplifting, and at the same time extremely informative. You should have pen and paper handy at all times to jot down notes as the life and business lessons learned here are invaluable. In fact, without these lessons you may very well actually die. So please, take note.

Now, today, I will be doing something a little different to start this thing off the right way. Today, you will be treated to the 15 step plan for success in the business world, as presented to me by my friend and mentor Bob. These 15 steps may very well be the most important 15 lines of text you will read, Ever.

Give yourself a moment to let that sink in, this is the most important thing... Ever.

Very well, onto the steps.

1. Business Plan. Anyone who knows anything about business knows that the first step to running a business is to have a business plan that outlines your ideas and goals for the business. Well unfortunately, none of those people were Bob, and in fact companies have been doing it wrong for centuries. The best way to successfully run a business is not to start with a business plan, as Bob has told me, business is changing ALL the time, so why lock your company into a rigid business plan. Remember, the best policy is fly by the seat of your pants, whatever pops into your mind is the right thing to be doing.

2. Never listen to your subordinates. Remember, YOU are the one that created this business, YOU are the one with the fancy degrees. Who do they think they are trying to explain things to you, or tell you their opinions. Sometimes its alright to listen to them, but make sure that you do not follow any of their suggestions. Remember, even if one of your employees tells you something they believe is right, it isn't right until you confirm it is so. In fact, stop everything you and your employee are doing and call someone to confirm. Even if you have to wait on hold for 30 minutes that time is better spent than if you both were working. In the end, even if your employee was "right", he wasn't correct until you confirmed it was so.

3. Always, I repeat, Always wait until the last minute to either work on, or turn in important documents, whether it be grant proposals or any other important documents you may have been working on. This will show any potential reviewers of your documents that you are a hard worker. Even if you turn it in late, they will know that you were working so hard that it took you right up to the bitter end before you finished.

4. Feign Ignorance. Remember, they can't blame you for something you didn't even know. If for example you happen to submit something late, just act like you were unaware of the due date/time. Don't worry, they will feel bad and give you an extension!

5. It's never YOUR fault. Your employees were hired by you to do what you want and need. This includes taking the blame if you ever screw up. If an important item was left out of a document because of your adherence to Rule #3 (Read: You worked until the bitter end) and a lack of time to review, it is not your fault. Your employees should be ready to cater to your every whim and need and anticipate that you will be working to the bitter end. Just remember, blame your employees and you will succeed.

6. Make your numbers up. If you find yourself working on budgets, or financial documents, always remember to make your numbers up to achieve the final results you want. If you write in documents that you are making money, people will believe you and give you more money!

7. Always hire students or recent graduates. Why pay top dollar for experienced employees when you can grab them right out of school for next to nothing? Recall Rule #2, you are always right anyways, so why hire someone who thinks they know everything already.

8. Don't give benefits to your employees. Why waste the money? Your employees will recognize you as the head honcho, and will be willing to forgo the usual benefits that employees of ALL other companies enjoy. Salaries, insurance, paid vacation, sick leave, raises, bonuses, retirement savings, and profit sharing all take away money from your company. Remember, business should be centered around YOU, as you know best, your employees are only there to support you and they will understand.

9. Your primary source of revenue should be from Research and Development grants. Even if those grants are intended to allow your company to take a product directly into the market, you shouldn't. It is always way easier to simply take the money than try and expand and sell your products. You will just create unnecessary headaches for yourself by trying to bring your product into market. If you MUST try to bring it into market, don't hire someone experienced in marketing or sales, just casually give the job to one of your students. *Please note, this rule only implicitly applies to technology/R&D companies, but the idea behind it can be applied to all businesses*

10. Powerpoint is king. This rule, even though listed last, may very well be the most important rule in the history of ever. It is so important, that it is actually inconceivable to imagine how people successfully ran businesses, nay, even lived, before Powerpoint was created. Any and ALL documents created in your business should be made in Powerpoint. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, simply dismiss it and tell them how superior Powerpoint is, remember after all, that it was YOU who started this business, and it is YOU who knows best.

Well that concludes the 15 rules for a successful business. You may be questioning why there are only 10 rules listed, but you would be wrong to do so. You also may be questioning why they are called steps first, then later called rules, but you would also be wrong to do so.

This article should set the tone for what is to come and what promises to be a great business partnership between myself, Dwight, you the reader, and also my mentor, Bob.

We hope to see you again soon.